“I love you. I don’t like you.”
Difference explained to me.
Not often, conversations play in my head, in a future tense or not:
‘’Could you love again?’’
The silence was rudely destroyed and now an answer was wanted. He had asked it simply, without a preamble and continued to look at her direct, his curiously still eyes unrelenting.
‘’Why the question, now, if at all?’’ she had to speak, find her voice, do something before this evening could forever turn disastrous.
‘’Okay. If you’d rather we ...I ...it’s all such a surprise, I am surprised, and that’s all.’’
She looked away. Confessions misplaced or otherwise always upset her; certainly today they had to be avoided.
‘’Do you remember that evening we drove all the way to May pore to drop S off, got delayed and then had to rush back because I had to attend some party or something?’’
‘’I do.’’
‘’I don’t know why I’d to think of it now...’’He was smiling.
He laughed and the crinkles on his forehead appeared deeper than ever.’’ You were trying to hold hands, I was sure the driver could see us in the rear view mirror and so wouldn’t let you.’’
She said, in her mind – ‘’you slightly brushed a finger against my lips...So intimate, it took my breath away...But, you could always do that’’, to him she said slow to mask the tenderness in her voice, ‘’...have you changed much since then?’’
‘’Have you?’’
‘’I think something died inside me even before it could wholly exist, breathe in completion, grow into anything worthwhile. I thought I loved you with all the innocence, unfinished desire I found within. You made me happy, conscious of an equal, happier for the silliest of reasons; safely unconscious of the gamely plotting the mind is capable of. Wanting you to want me was all I wanted and you saw that too. Brevity works for most pleasurable sensations or otherwise, it seems; like an orgasm in its finality. In its terseness, it soared, the transitory reality of our ...whatever name I give it. Experiment, you had said, it failed, and I failed. For the longest time I tried to come up with an explanation for all that happened and all that never happened with us, to us. I need to understand things, to deal with it, and you see I needed to understand if there could have been an us, at all. You did take my innocence if not my virginity. You were no pussy chaser, like I said then, but you were looking for an easy lay. And, here I was all swooned, wanting to feel loved, now more than ever. Insecure, complex, and ready for the spoils you offered. And yet, later I saw it for all it ever was...could be. So, yes I have changed since then. And, yes I loved.’’
My reader, wouldn’t you tell me, the extent to which pain matters, a point and beyond, how far is it yet? Would you tell me, IF I asked very politely too, why you come and go and not leave footprints on my comment board, so that I could, like the light far far away from my dark tunnel, sense thee and feed my soul?
@ akainthla: Thanks.
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tunme bulaya aur hum chale aaye.. I was born a brooder so I won't answer the question you put..not because of anything or anyone else, save me... and god save you if I begin pouring my philosophies over your pains...just keep writing, I'm reading..if thats worth anything
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